Note: I acknowledge Scroop's infantile tantrum but will save my retort for another post.

Last night I played pool at the Rosemount Hotel. Cam and I played about four games before we retired undefeated. I believe I can safely say that I was older than any of the people I played; a fact made relevant when couple of our opponents flaunted the unwritten rules so flagrantly I was prompted to give them a bit of an education.

The unwritten rules to pub pool are many and varied but several stand out as immutable, having evolved over time in the interest of the common good. This is because adding a competitive element to a bunch of drunken bums would be disastrous if the outcome of said competition were solely up to the individual interpretation of correct gameplay.

There are four of these 'safety valve' rules that govern the immediate area around every pool table in Australia (perhaps even the world.) These rules are assumed, and must be abided by unless everyone involved (both players, challengers and potential challengers) agrees:

1. The winner of a game controls the table for the next game


2. He who controls the table controls the rules (within reason[1])


3. The order in which the challengers play is decided by a queue of coins on the edge of the table above the coin slot. A person will challenge by adding a coin (any denomination) to the end of the queue (the direction of the queue being arbitrary, and must be determined by observation or conversation) and play when their coin reaches the front. A challenger must remove their coin when they begin play


4. An incumbent must accept a challenge when offered or get off the table after they finish their game

The rules that may vary depending on who controls the table can be grouped into the following categories:

• Early game fouls - do fouls off the break count? or fouls before anything has been sunk? Can a player hit one colour onto another to sink the latter without incurring a foul (before anything has been sunk)? If the first player to sink a ball sinks each colour, which are they (they choose or first down)?


• General foul rules - where can you legally place the white ball when an off-table foul has occurred (along the line, anywhere inside the 'D' or anywhere behind the line at all)? Can you shoot backwards from the 'D'? Do fouls count if they fall in the opponent's favour (i.e., one player sinks his opponent's colour.) [2]


• On-the-black rules - do you pick pockets when on the black? Or only when both players are on the black? Or never? Do fouls off the black end the game? What about if both teams are on the black?


• 'Girl rules' - these only apply to girls and seem to have moved out of vogue. Rarely will a player seeking to enact them be denied. Can a player move the ball off the padding (by as much as the width of the fat end of the cue)? Can a shot that hits nothing be replayed?

When I control the table I tend to favour a set of rules that promote a speedy game. That is, you can shoot backwards if you damn well please, you can put the white anywhere behind the line, sinking your opponent's ball only incurrs a single shot and you don't pick pockets for the black ever.

There are also a set of social rules: in some circles it is customary for the loser to buy the winner a midi (winner's choice of brew), though usually this is only on a pre-arranged game-by-game basis. Generally opponents shake hands at the start and end of each game. A player is allowed to finish a conversation or anecdote before he has his shot without his opponents hurrying him up (within reason). The table is set up by the challenger, and should conform to the 'J' rule. A player who sinks the white must retrieve the white (they may give it to their opponent or leave it on the edge of the table.) Heckling while a player is shooting is discouraged, and distraction by jostling the player or his cue is absolutely forbidden. Opponents will usually (though not always discreetly) look the other way in the case of a player's cue accidentally touching a ball. Often also, games played with girls are less competitive, with far less heckling.

There is also the important 'pants' rule. If a player loses a game without having sunk any of his own balls he must walk or run a lap of the table with his pants down[3]. There are two opt outs for the pants rule: girls do not have to do it, and a player can buy his way out with beer (a pint or jug, generally up to the incumbent.)

Of note is Scroop's bullshit 'scratch off the break' rule, where if a player fouls off the break without having sunk any balls, he loses the game. Of course if you play the 'pants rule' the loser has implicitly been pants-ed. The only time Scroop and I played this rule I pants-ed him three times, so we don't play it any more. It is in everybody's interest for Scroop to keep his pants on, believe me.

Footnotes:
[1] The rules must fall within the accepted super-set of pub rules.
[2] This always results in relinquished control and it should be noted that fouls incurred by other means still count.
[3] Underwear is optional, but in my experience few people enforce underwear droppage.