Read my surname out to yourself. CECHNER. Try a few different permutations, possible different pronunciations. The truth is, unless I have put you through the standard 15-minute induction, you just mispronounced my name. Don't feel bad, its natural. It's one of those weird mind twisters that the brain is not set up to understand.

Another form of this test is to pronounce my name to someone (phonetically: Seshna), then very carefully spell it to them, while they write it down. Now have them recite the letters they wrote. I can almost guarantee that they will have written C-H-E-C-H-N-E-R or put an 'S' in there somewhere, or some crazy shit.

My name is like some kind of in-built security device. Somebody could steal my wallet and be writing my name on some document while reading it directly from my credit card and I guarantee they misspell it. My name by its very essence resists being copied. My name should be encoded on computer CDs and used for copy protection.

These phenomenon have some very interesting psychological side-effects. Quite a few of my quirks can probably be explained by my having to negotiate so delicately through every-day social interactions wielding this bulky handle.

I remember every award I've ever received in Primary School, High School and Uni because of a single common moment in each of them. That instant where the announcer - whose only job is to pronounce the names of all the different recipients - first glances at The Name. The Name has ambushed them unawares, as if a huge fucking circle just dropped in their game of Tetris.

People who know me often chuckle when they hear me on the phone because I go to great lengths to avoid saying The Name:

Them: What name should I book this under sir?
Me: Paul is fine thanks.

Or if I absolutely need to give my surname, I'll just spell it outright:

Them: And your surname, sir?
Me: C - E - C - H - N - E - R[1].

Of course, people's natural curiosity and need to maintain some kind of repoire often leads to the question:

Them: Oh, how do you pronounce that?
Me: Never you fucking mind how you pronounce that.

Or if they go out of their way:

Them: is that pronounced 'Chechner'/'Kechner'/'Checkner'/'Chekrier'[2]?
Me: Yep[3].

I remember one day I was running late to catch a plane. The plane was boarding and I was tapping my foot at the check-in counter (still with the anti-terrorism disrobing countermeasures to pass through) when the registrar informed me with a look of polite confusion that I didn't appear to have a booking. I ran through some quick mental aerobics: was it possible I had the wrong flight/terminal/date? No, I had the itinerary in my hand. Who had given it to me? The person who booked it - the company secretary. Oh, wait a sec...

I turned to the registrar and said

Me: Are you sure you spelled it correctly? C-E-C-H-N-E-R?
(tap tap tappity tap)
Registrar: Hmmm... yes sir, nobody by that name on this flight...
M: *sigh* How about C-H-E-C-H-N-E-R
(tap tap tappity tap)
R: Ah! Here you are sir...

When the time comes, I'm not sure I'll be able to maintain a clean conscience while inflicting this crazy legacy on the poor woman I've chosen to marry. I can just imagine the mental warping effect that the first few months will have on her as she makes the many hundreds of little behaviour adjustments necessary to survive. I'll just shake my head sadly when I hear her on the phone saying '... that's right, Cechner: C-E-C-H-N-E-R.' You've done it now, you poor fool... never say the name first!

On the up side, I generally have a guaranteed unique ID that becomes ironically simplistic in the digital world. You need to find me? What other bugger would have cechner (at) gmail (dot) com, cechner (at) hotmail (dot) com, cechner (at) yahoo (dot) com or indeed cechner.com? I could use cechner as my password without fear of anyone guessing it, the chances of someone getting the spelling right are mathematically about zero.

Notes:
[1] Pronouncing The Name seems to open neural pathways in the brain that directly sabotage the pathways that get used when interpreting the follow-up pronunciation. Therefore the wary Cechnerite will avoid pronouncing it all together.
[2] 'Checkrier' is officially the most bastardised spelling of my name I've ever witnessed.
[3] Needless to say, I answer to any of these different names. To make an issue of it is a waste of time.