My treacherous body has put me through a lot in the last few years. I've had bits removed, sewn together, broken off and malfunctioning. I've paid for synthetic bits. I've been on long and strong courses of anti-biotics to combat chemicals my body has seen fit to course through its various ducts. I'm more machine now than man.

Furthermore, I've had friends with various serious illnesses that have forced them to seek professional help so that they may deal with the abuse their body puts them through.

So I feel fairly comfortable in saying that I'm familiar with our medical system, and doctors in particular. I'm equally sure I'm breaking no new ground when I say they both suck.

'But what about our Oooorgaaaans!?' I hear you wail; 'Doctors protect our precious internals!' And you may reasonably believe you have some statistical data to back that shit up. Why else would we have an aging population of people scrounging for every second of longevity that modern science can provide? Why don't people drop off from plagues or whooping cough any more? If we lost all our doctors, would we not descend into third-world conditions?

Sure, these all may seem like fairly obvious justifications for the existence of this lofty profession of Doctor, but anyone who has been churned through the health system, been left hanging at the end of an expensive line for months in expensive waiting lists only to end up with an expensive bill and no real explanation for their malady will probably have this same lurking suspicion that they just don't know what they're doing. That's right - we have no real way of challenging their diagnosis, and they have no real incentive to ensure we get the best treatment that will ensure we never need to come back and line their pockets again. Perhaps if the Medical Board wasn't run by a bunch of back-scratching doctors they'd feel some professional inclination towards observing their duty of care more closely.

This is why the last ten years or so have led me by the nose to the conclusion that most doctors -- expensive specialists included -- are nothing more than overpaid anti-biotics dispensers. If I were bold enough to liken myself to a house with severe structural integrity problems, manifesting in long crumbling cracks along my (attractive) supporting walls, a series of visits to a specialist I subjected myself to a few years ago resulted in: an expensive series of rock-band posters covering said cracks; and renewed gold-plating on my doctor's toilet-roll dispenser. In other words, five visits to one specialist at over $100 per visit, plus pathology expenses, and the result was a strong course of anti-biotics: precisely the same as a free visit to a bulk billing doctor.

Dentists are no better - they too seem to have backed us up into a cul-de-sac where we have no recourse. When I visited a dentist on the subject of a broken tooth, and happened to mention that I hadn't had my teeth looked at by a 'professional' since I was a kid, he had to have a little quiet time. His eyes widened and I swear he started whispering prayers of thanks under his breath. From that moment on, I was his best friend. He still calls me from time to time (well, his secretary does) to warn me of the assured DOOM waiting around the corner should I miss another six month appointment.

So this coming Monday I am subjecting my broken frame again to the tender mercies of some guy I've only met a few times, who I trust is worth his pay check, who I hope feels some inclination to excel at his chosen profession. He seems nice enough, but one stranger looks pretty much the same as any other when you are at the sharp end of the scalpel...

But I'll survive as long as I retain one hand for jammin', one eye for reading and half a brain for conversing with Scroop.