This is an accounting of the events of Thursday the 1st Dec. I'd just come into Rome from Cologne. I am now back in Australia and jet-lagged as hell.

Dove si trova l'Internet point was the first Italian phrase I learned in Rome. Where can I find the local Internet place? I'd arrived at midday and it was now 11:30 PM, and my goal had been reduced to finding a hotel in which to put my bags.

I walked in the front door of a 2 star hotel called Hotel Charter, a tiny front entrance dwarfed by the booked-out 4 star hotel next door. The guy in the lobby was watching black-and-white porn when I came in, and helpful and polite as he was, he didn't really stop watching it.

Parla Ingles? "Yes, don't worry sir. You are looking for a room?" I said I was, and he started booking me in. Passport, 70 Euro. Dove si trova l'Internet point? Apparently down the road, to the left, then to the right.

After a prolonged explanation on how to get the vertical-coffin-like elevator working properly (you have to hold the button down to keep it moving,) I proceeded to my room, dumped my bags and headed towards the promised Internet point.

This part of Rome - the only part I'd seen so far, having wandered in a completely random direction - was more seemy than I had expected. A few ladies of negotiable virtue and sometimes debatable gender gave me askance in Italian, presumably not scared off by my stumbling gawking tourist manner. Head low, I kept walking as these folk called unintelligibly after me.

The Internet point itself was cast in the fluro blue light they use in bathrooms to stop junkies from being able to see their veins. The dude behind the counter pointed me towards a station and I jumped on the Internet like a ravenous beast. I accessed the Internet's brains out.

Bob and Teja were on, giving me some hope for the night. Where the fuck is your brother? He was supposed to send me an email telling me where we should have met up, and I've been wandering between airports, bars and Internet points for 11 hours trying to track him down!

Their attitudes were refreshing but probably not as helpful as they might have imagined: you're in Rome baby! Look around! Drink in the beauty! Have an adventure!

I doubtfully looked around. I think some of the trannies outside were packing up and searching for me. There was a toothless old codger out trying to chat up one of the less obviously female Romans. The dude behind the desk was up to his elbows in a prolonged nasal excavation. I imagined the black-and-white beauty the concierge in my hotel was resorting to. This wasn't really helping.

Nevertheless, I really relished my moment's communication with friends after what seemed like weeks of self-exile. As enriching an experience walking around a non native English speaking country is, it tends to stain your insides with a curious detachment from the world around you. I am, at heart, a very social creature.

I shot off an email to Mos and Mel telling them the name of my hotel and put on a very angry face before leaving the fluro-blue haven. This is my 'don't fuck with me' face. My 'I certainly aren't interested in sex' face. It seemed to work, until I was almost at the hotel. 'Oi,' some dude muttered - a short guy with a big shiny white smile. He jabbered some proposition at me. Sorry, Ingles. 'Oh, no pais Italiano eh? Hahahahaha. Ha.' I walked in the door and held the button for the elevator. The dude was still grinning at me through the front door as I went up.

I spent the next hour or so showering, shaving (using a dodgy blade stolen from Mostyn and no shaving cream) and reading the useful phrases section of my new tourist Rome guide. Then I pulled the pear and apple schnapps that was a parting gift from my German uncle. If ever there was a time to get a little belligerent, it was now. 'Prost,' I toasted myself in the mirror. Then I went to sleep.

45 minutes later, the phone rings. Hey. 'We're downstairs' says Mel. Sweet, things are looking fucking sweet all of a sudden. The next three days were awesome, though less interesting to write about right now.